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How To Fix Your Husband

Remember when your husband was a convertible? Wind blowing through your hair, sun shaded by sunglasses and the two of you roaring to take on life as you headed down a blissful highway?

Now, the old boy is a broken down pick-up truck, barely worth driving considering the high price of gas.

What happened? Well…of course it’s the guy’s fault. Or at least it usually is.

He’s just not as…well…fun as he used to be. Not as loving. Not as caring. He doesn’t seem to make the marriage a priority any more. So what can we do?

It’s simple. We’ve got to fix your husband.

Photo Courtesy of FreePhotos.com

Well ladies. You are in the hands of a seasoned professional, overflowing with first hand knowledge. After all, my wife has been married to a broken down Jalopy of a soul mate for fifteen years.

Yes. The poor dear got herself sold a real lemon and only after some heavy duty divine intervention was she able to get me back on the marital road.

Okay, so she still is dealing with a clunker who backfires and spits out black smoke on occasion. But, if you would have seen the piece of work she started out with, you would shower her with admiration. So if your fellow, like me, is arrogant, lazy, self-centered, non-communicative, unmotivated and disinterested, I’m here to tell you there is hope for getting him refurbished back to manufacturer’s specifications.

If you follow these time-tested rules, and add in a little TLC, we’ll get you leaping in the air again shouting, “Oh what a feeling.”

Rule #1 – Put Down your Tool Kit
I hope the title of this post didn’t give you the wrong idea. You see, you’re not actually going to do the repairs. That’s well beyond your skill set. Your beloved bloke is too far gone. After all, he’s a man.

So. If you’re standing there with wrench in hand, duct tape at the ready, preparing to swing your ball peen hammer, you’re going to need to stand down. I’m going to share something you probably already know: It ain’t gonna work Sister.

Trying to fix your husband on your own will shape-shift you from loving spouse to nagging wife in a heartbeat. No. This kind of job requires a Master Craftsman.

Your role in this is prayer, patience and perseverance. Then, if by chance, your hubby actually manages to do something right, encourage him with every means possible. Guys are just like Flipper. We’ll do amazing tricks for you if you’ll toss us a few anchovies now and then. Nag us and we’ll head to open waters.

Rule #2 – Turn Off The TV and Get Out The Owner’s Manual
Fortunately, everything you ever wanted or needed to know about your husband has been carefully recorded and preserved for thousands of years. Yes. It’s all in your Bible.

But what you’ll have to do first, is put away your magazines, the How-To-Books, the romance novels and turn off the Oprah channel. Those aren’t answers. They’re distractions.

To get the answers you need you’re going to need to refer to the manual written by the One who created your husband, and who loves him despite his many shortfallings.

Rule #3 – Check Out The Battery Connection
If your husband doesn’t have a saving relationship with Jesus Christ, true repair is going to be impossible, and his miles remaining are few. The great physician and teacher for us here on earth is the Holy Spirit. Without that connection, your husband is not to going to grow spiritually and your relationship is going to remain broken down on the side of the road. Sure. The seats may be fine leather, and the stereo might be fully digital, but at the core, both he and your marriage will be on a path of slow decay.

If your husband is a Bible-believing Christian, but his life is not evidencing his beliefs, it’s possible he’s allowed his battery cables to get corroded. The corrosive influences of the world are plenty: pornography, greed, career worshiping, envy and addiction are just some of the few. Oftentimes only his wife and children see the emptiness of his faith at home as he’s gifted at being Mr. Wonderful to the rest of the world.

In either case, the Holy Spirit will do the heavy lifting once he is connected (or re-connected) and growing in the Lord. Prayer will be your greatest tool for helping to make this happen.

Rule #4 – Get Him Into The Shop
Helping your husband to build a stronger relationship with God is no small task. It will take a team effort to make this happen. This is why it’s vital to be an active participant in a local church. A vibrant church will teach the Bible and will stress the importance of building Godly relationships. These friendships will offer the greatest hope for your spouse.

If your husband refuses to go to church, you’ll have to bring church to him. How do you do that? It starts by remembering the Church is not a building, it’s a group of people. If you have Christian girlfriends with Godly husbands, make an effort to socialize with them as much as possible. Helping your husband to forge friendships with other Christian men is the best strategy you can use to get him interested in church.

Sometimes getting him to be part of a small group is an excellent first step. He may refuse to go to church, but might be open to joining a couples group at someone’s home. It’s okay if he comes kicking and screaming. It’s good for him.

Rule #5 – Hire Some Mechanics You Can Trust
It might be possible that your husband is already abiding by rules one through four, but he remains a wreck. Unfortunately, there is a large percentage of Bible thumping men who are sad sacks when it comes to loving their wives.

The problem is they come to church service, but refuse to be serviced. They’ve got the amens and the hallelujahs down, but feel the sermons are designed to help everyone else.

Your husband is not alone. Men are swimming in their own self-delusion. Our pride and self-righteousness keep us from facing the facts obvious to everyone else: We’re in need of serious repairs.

The fix for us is to find other men willing to be accountability partners in our life, and who have both the courage and concern to get under the hood and let us know what’s wrong.

By nature, guys naturally become the Lone Ranger, glad to be the hero for everyone else, but eager to ride into the sunset when the light shines on us. We are embarrassed to let others know how alone we are, how fragile we are at the core.

Sometimes it’s one Godly man or it’s a small group of men who are willing to stand beside your husband and help him start changing the oil, spark plugs and if necessary the head gasket.

God, in his deep mercy, put men in my life early in our marriage who selflessly served as mentors. These men loved me enough to confront me whenever my life drifted towards being a lie. They never hesitated when I needed a good tongue lashing. And whenever I fell into a ditch, they would jump in there with me, and together we would climb out.

When they would ask me how I’m doing as a husband and father, I would tell them the truth. Because I knew if I didn’t answer honestly they would say, “How about if we ask your wife?”

I know it’s disappointing to discover you can’t fix him on your own. It may even be somewhat hurtful.

But the secret is to put man’s competitive nature to work for you. If he hangs out with the right friends, he won’t be focusing on being the best softball player on the team. Instead, he and his friends will all be trying to prove who is the most loving, caring and God fearing husband and father of all.

Rule #6 – Allow Him To Believe It Was All His Idea
Now, of course, none of this will happen over night. Most of these steps will take time and much prayer. The change will be gradual and probably undetectable to most eyes.

But, over time, you’ll start to see that engine hum as it never has before. As it does, his short term memory and fragile ego will want to take credit for his transformation.

It’s okay. Keep praying. The secret is between you and God.

After all. We said we’d fix him. That doesn’t mean we’ll make him perfect.

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14 Responses to How To Fix Your Husband

  1. Kathryn Lang says:

    Better be careful – I posted a similar item from a women’s point of view (Top 10 Ways to Be a Good Wife) and got some very angry comments.

    I REALLY like your analogy though – so many times a discouraged husband feels like (and acts like) that beat up truck in the picture.

  2. Cheryl Pierce says:

    Great post, Mike. While I don’t consider my husband broken, it’s good to be reminded that we all need a tune-up from time to time. I think I’m due for one. My oil’s feeling a little bit low.

    And, I think Judd could use a few anchovies…

  3. This goes hand in hand w/ my own blog post today focusing on the Holy Spirit and your faith. I shared this on my FB page. He is at work, getting us all the tune ups we need!

  4. Kelly says:

    Love your post! Its so easy to forget that it is not our job to “fix” our husbands. Putting him in Gods hands is the only way to get change. And sometimes that change may need to be our change.

  5. Susan Baganz says:

    Awesome post. I have had to challenge women that if all they focus on is their husband and what HE needs to do to change -they are making him an idol. Women need to focus on who they need to be before God and let God take care of the spouse. Too often we want to manipulate things and we need to let God and let God have at it – through prayer and seeking to be humbled under His hand as well.

  6. AWESOME advice! Blessings to you!

  7. J says:

    I was wondering how I could help my husband, become spiritually connected? I was reading and the thing that struck me, hard, and sadly, was that our relationship was going to never be “good” if he didn’t fully believe in God. He’s not spiritually involved at all — he attends church with us to “keep the peace” but not in a negative way, as he’s always positive, helpful and upbeat in doing so. I don’t know his true heart, however, I do know that he was raised for 20 years of his life in a strict “cult” of a religion, and once he broke free (said he never believed any of the ‘religious stuff’) he never wanted to tread back into any type of “organized religion” again. We have a wonderful church and church-family, who know our whole story, and we keep on praying for him. It’s definitely caused some issues and hardships in our 9 year marriage, however, I don’t think that it’s impossible, as we are united, together, as one. What does the Bible say about this?

  8. Lizzie says:

    appreciate these details…i am confronted with this ordeal actually…i know it will really be a big challenge…there will be pains along the way…but with God by my side to help…its worth the effort..thanks again!

  9. Excellent post. It took me many years in our marriage to figure these points out. This is great advice for women about “fixing” husbands!

  10. m says:

    so…if my connection is never going to happen…do I trade him in now? or wait for the relationship to die a slow and painful death??

  11. Daniel says:

    I don’t work for the last 7 of 11 year marriage.
    I don’t let anybody bully me anymore (not family, bosses, etc)
    Wife works and is burned out(blames me). She was extremely disrespectful..yelling and ignoring me. I don’t have any “money skills.” I just read and watch activeparenting.com videos, and help the kids w/ homework. She won’t sit down to talk or pray. She is a “hot reactor” blows up instantly. I just go to my room and play with my Ipod. (I used to be a doormat..bosses wouldn’t pay me)
    Help me with some ideas. I’m quite pleasant and a quiet homemaker. I’m only 39 but really do look like that old truck. I will stay until the kids are 18… 11 more years.

  12. Moe says:

    I plan to share a link to this post on my blog. This was very powerful and I hope a help to many ladies out there.

  13. This blog post can be a really great help even to those whose husbands are not that “broken”. It does not necessarily mean that you need to fix your husband no matter what his situation right now.

  14. Lacey says:

    To J. At least ur husband is going to chuch! As long as hes going then hes getting fed, if he keeps listening to the sermons & praise music at church then the holy spirit will deal with him! My husband does NOT go to church at all! He works everyday! Hes a career worshipper! He thinks that hes doing “the right job as a husband” by working everyday & its ok to never go to church bc hes gotta work bc thats supporting his family! I believe he knows that hes wrong and thats just an excuse! My husband’s father was a preacher for 20 years and 12 years of my husbands life! However, he was very abusive and his mother eventually had enough and divorced him then found outshe had cancer and died 6 monts later! My husband was 17 years old when she died! He was malested as a child! So hes had a rough life! But i myself was malested as a very young child and raped when i was 17 years old! My father is a precher and has been for 20 years now! But my father is the BEST christian ive ever known! He lives by the bible in ad outside of the church! Hes also a wonderful husband! I grew up watching HOW HUSBANDS SHOULD TREAT THEIR WIFE! I married my husband when we both was 20 years old! We been married for 8 yers now! I had a 3 month old baby girl when i first met my husband! When my daughter turned 4 years old 4 days after 4th birthday we got in a terrible car accident! she was thrown out the window & then he died in my arms on the side of the road! When i was 18 years old i got in a severely bad wreck, a 18 WHEELER ran over me! When i woke up half of my body was under passenger side dashboard and my lower half was under my steering wheel! My car was completely smashed! It looked like a pancake! Sayin all this bc im making a point! My husband uses his childhood as an excuse to why hes so hateful & verbally and mentally abusive to me! I have been through hell and back. It would take a huge book to tell everything! But im not abusive! My husband claims hes saved, however i have been with him for 8 years and ive NEVER seen Him act like a christian! I personally believe Satan has him so fooled and blind & has him believing he is saved so he doesnt get saved! I know the bible extremely well! Nobody tells me somethig i dont already know about the bible, however im still clueless when it comes to my marriage! Im at a crossroads! I have biblical grounds for divorce since he has cheated on me a few times! But i love him sooo much and we have two beautiful children together and i know that God can miracalously change Andrew. But how much longer do i have to live in this hell im in! Andrew has put me through sooo much pain, heartache and heartbreaks! Ive changed alot from the day we met! Andrew has no idea how bad hes mess me up mentally and emotionally! I dont know what else to do! God does not like divorce but he also says to stay away from ALL APPEARANCES OF EVIL! And i know God does not like the environment im livin in! Only God knows what goes on behind closed doors! Please PRAY FOR ME AND MY MARRIAGE! my name is Lacey and my husbands name is Andrew! Thank you! Ps. I love your blog

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