Remember your wedding day? With a few notable exceptions, most will describe the weeks before, during and after the ceremony as one of the most exciting times of their lives.
But, then what happened? Where went the passion, excitement and adventure of it all? Is marriage destined to have the shelf life of a loaf of bread, growing stale and moldy as each day passes?
Contrary to the persuasions of the world, it’s not wrinkles, stretch marks and bald spots that wear down the joy. It’s what’s referred to as “The Drift.” This is a phenomenon where day by day and year by year, we slowly drift apart, trending back toward the life of selfishness and loneliness we were accustomed to prior to getting married.
Although Christians would like to believe that going to church and listening to uplifting sermons on the radio will cure them of “The Drift,” the startling divorce statistics among people of faith would sadly counter this argument.
Yes…we must never forget the biggest key is that God must be at the center of a healthy marriage. As we learn in Ecclesiastes 4:12 “a threefold cord is not easily broken.” It’s God that gives the strength in the union of a man and a woman. And without Him at the core of your marriage, it may be temporarily functional, but it will always lack divine purpose.
Yet, scripture also teaches us in Proverbs 29:18 “without vision the people perish.” The Hebrew behind “vision” is also translated in some versions as “revelation” which collectively means this vision is more about seeking God’s plan. The word “perish” refers to a “lack of constraint” as well as “death” and without this understanding of your marriage purpose, there will be fissures and great injury to the relationship.
The solution to all of this is to make a commitment to devoting time and prayer to discover the “Shared Vision” of your marriage. This might be challenging and require a tissue box or two, but the results will have a dramatic impact on strengthening your marriage.
Being a Christian can’t be an excuse for being lazy in your relationship. It’s takes daily attention, nurturing and roll up your sleeves type of work. The results of this effort are tremendous; however, and will bless your marriage and positively impact generations to come.
So why not take a “Marriage Vision Retreat” with your spouse and make a commitment to aligning your plans and dreams. I firmly believe it can be the most important day in the best year of your life.
As far as materials to help lead you through this, there is none better than Jimmy Evans’ The Mountaintop of Marriage: A Vision Retreat Guidebook For Couples. You can find it on the ministry’s official website at www.marriagetoday.org. It’s a small, well designed booklet that will guide you through the process of working on the vision for your marriage.
Ideally, you would purchase the guidebook, plan for a weekend away, and be clear of all distractions so you can make some real progress. But, don’t let materials or time get in the way of accomplishing the task. You can keep it as simple as picking a day this weekend to carve alone time with your spouse. With a sharp pencil and a pad of paper in hand, answer together the following questions:
What’s our vision for:
Our Faith
How do we grow closer as individuals, a couple and a family in our relationship to God?
Our Marriage
In what areas would we like to work together to improve our relationship?
Our Family
Where we would like to focus our teaching, discipline and encourgagement for each of our children? How can our relationships be improved with our in-laws and grandchildren?
Our Finances
What changes do we need to make to reduce the stress and challenges of keeping up with the bills? What kind of budget can we keep up with? What kind of saving should we be doing?
Our Future
What long term goals do we have as a couple? What should we begin to do today to lay the foundation for the future?
A Quick Word of Caution:
These are all challenging and multi-layered questions. You will really need to be in prayer leading up to this time, during and after. Many of the issues you’ll be addressing have been hidden under the carpet for quite some time. Some may cause pain and discomfort to discuss. Don’t start by flinging your bodies on the hand grenade issues. Ease yourself in with the easier topics and take a break or pass by those issues which are too difficult. You can return to them again at a better time.
Strength In Fellowship
You might consider working on doing this in tandem with another couple or a few couples. If you know and respect a couple who you feel have a strong marriage and could provide support, ask them to participate. If things become very challenging, talk to your pastor or agree to visit a marriage counselor.
We just hosted an event at our church and more than 40 couples participated. It was a great day of worship, prayer, teaching and vision planning with couples. You might see if your church is interested in hosting an event. However; the key to the success of the event was that we set up quite a bit of one-on-one time for each of the couples. The most important business will be between you, yourself and God.
Don’t Delay!
It’s highly recommended that you don’t put off the effort to make this happen. A much stronger marriage and a “Shared Vision” are close at hand. Even for the sturdiest, most Godly marriages, having a “Marriage Vision Retreat” at least once a year will be a tremendous blessing to you and all of your family.
As probably the only secular agnostic that follows your blog, I’ll comment on this.
My wife and I did not have good role models for marriage. Her parents are still married but more roommates than anything else. Mine were divorced when I was 15 after years of on and off abuse. So both of us had misgivings about marriage in general, probably myself more than her. I always wanted the relationship, but was skeptical about ever needing or wanting the ring or paperwork.
Oddly enough, my wife and I have a great marriage after 10 years and 2 years dating before that. We have only gotten closer over this time. Keep in mind we are secular folks–she has some vague, almost pantheistic ideas about God and as I mentioned I”m mostly agnostic. So I dont think it stands that you need the concept of the biblical god for a good marriage. I did get a lot of my concepts of a good relationship and good marriage from M. Scott Peck, who was the psychologist who wrote the Road Less Traveled and later in life become a liberal christian.
The keys for us have been the following (and I apologize if this sounds cliche’)
1. Communication. We don’t tell each other everything, but almost. We talk every day. We go on dates alone with no kids. She goes out of her way to get my attention when she needs it and we express ourselves when something is bothering us. But we do this without being blaming or uncivil. I’d say we’re “honest but nice.” Honesty doesn’t mean you have to say “Yes honey, you look fat in that dress.”
2. Individuality. I don’t expect my wife to be at my beck and call. We aren’t afraid to go our separate ways or have a “guys/gals night out.” We share some common interests but are also respectful of our differences. She’s into quilting and music, I’m into computers and world religion. We’re definitely not joined at the hip.
3. Shared Values. I think this is something you really nailed. This will make your conservative christian readers cringe, but we’re both secular people. Politically she’s a liberal and I’m a moderate. We respect our differences, but at the same time, we have a lot in common on our values, how we spend our money, what we give to charity, how we raise our kids, etc.
Anyway, that’s what works for us.
I think modern evangelicals really go out of their way to culturally support marriage. I do disagree with Christians that believe women need to be submissive to their husbands and the husbands need to be head of the household. I know that works for some people, but in our marriage and others I know, its an equal partnership.
Actually, believe it or not, you’re not the only agnostic that is subscribed to this BLOG which is exciting. When authoring a BLOG, it’s important to keep a specific audience in mind when writing, but it’s very encouraging when others with different ideas and unique perspectives join in the conversation. Thank you for contributing so thoughtfully to the dialog.